im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
