Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
