just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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