If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
