we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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