I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
