By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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