If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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