True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
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I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.