My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.