Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.