Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
