Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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