I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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