3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
