I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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