I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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