The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
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It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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