shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
