I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
