Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
