She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
