dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
