Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
