also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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