he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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