please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
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He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
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