How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
