Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
