i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
worst night to have a conscience
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
