Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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