I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Blood and glitter go together right?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
