Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
