If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
