Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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