so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
