I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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