I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
