you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Mom said you looked used
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
