So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
