Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
