Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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