I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
