My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
