Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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