Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
