i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
