why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
