allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
