He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
