I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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