I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
