and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
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Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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