We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
