I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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