Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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