apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
