I'm gonna have a badass scar
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
