watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
