Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
