Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize