lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
