Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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